Progress Not Perfection

Being a perfectly imperfect artist

“That’s all any of us are: amateurs. We don’t live long enough to be anything else.”

- Charlie Chaplin

Recently I realized that I’m trying to be a ‘professional’ artist. I’ve been wondering to myself, how can I possibly ask anyone to buy my work when it’s not perfect? Do I have enough training? Am I skilled enough? Experienced enough? What will it require for me to find success? Should I wait until I take that course to promote myself more?

I didn’t realize that I was holding back as a painter and writer. When I got into recovery I heard people talking about feeling ‘not good enough’. It was refreshing to go to meeting after meeting and hear people talk about feelings of shame and inadequacy not because I relished in their suffering but because I realized I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one out there feeling that way.

I was told it’s the family disease of alcoholism. It’s what happens when you grow up with addiction. No one is available. Everyone in the family system is preoccupied and consumed with their own, troubled emotions and because of that they’re unable to be present and aware. When parents are unable to be in the moment, unable to recognize their feelings, needs, and wants, they are unable to recognize the needs and wants of their children. They aren’t bad people. They’re just spiritually sick.

In recovery I learned that it’s ok to be ‘not enough’. I learned that I will always be making it one day at a time. Progress not perfection. Being ‘not enough’ is enough. Perfectly imperfect.

At first I wasn’t sure I wanted to settle for this self-concept. I wanted to ‘make it’. I didn’t want to be making it one day at a time. I had spent fifteen years reading self help books and they were always written by the experts, by the ones who observed the people who went from suffering to stable, miserable to happy. If I couldn’t be the observer I wanted to be the one who got her shit together and came back a winner.

Al-anon helped me to rethink my self concept, to reconsider who I am in relationships. It became acceptable to not always have the answers. To not have to be right. I found love despite the fact that I’m flawed. I looked not only at my character defects but my assets as well. I found I have both good and bad qualities. I learned that I’m loved no matter how I show up in the world, no matter how my performance measures up.

But I have been struggling to apply those principles to my career. I grew up believing that in order to be taken seriously in business you have to have it all together. When I was a young student of creative arts and humanities I learned about sending query letters and resumes. I learned that when you're promoting yourself, your skills and assets, you need to present your best self (read, tell them you’re perfect and mean it).

I decided that the mysterious people on the receiving end of those letters are terrifying and demanding. I decided they are perfectionists, looking for geniuses and savants, and if you aren’t that good don’t bother to apply. I was intimidated out of trying.

I’m beginning to see that I am stuck in the ‘always striving, never arriving’ mindset. I never thought of the professional world as being forgiving. I’ve always seen it as the domain of men, and being a professional felt like trying to play football when I’m a 5’4”, 110 lb woman. How could I ever succeed?

But if Charlie Chaplin believed that we are always only amateurs I feel hopeful. ‘Progress not perfection' is a spiritual principle I can apply to my career as well as my personal life. Share with confidence while also improving. Promote yourself and take courses. I’m a good painter. I’ve been studying painting for 20 years. And I’ve been making 2D, visual art my entire life. I need to apply the principles of Al-anon to all areas of my life. I can’t control the outcome, but I can do something about how I show up.