From the Vault:Letting Go

Living a surrendered life

This was originally posted April 14, 2023.

When I surrendered myself to God’s care in Step Three, I also surrendered the notion that things would go my way. Hope for Today, p98

As much as I hate to admit it, I want everything to go my way. I think that means I’m loved. When I get what I want, I feel affirmed, supported, and accepted. I feel agreed with. But when things don’t go my way I feel denied and deprived, and then I feel unloveable.

When I first worked Step Three I was afraid to let go. I wanted what I wanted and I was determined to get it. I always thought that hard work and persistence were the keys to being satisfied, to seeing your dreams come true. The fact that I was left wanting in life made me think I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I wasn’t putting in the effort.

When I finally did let go, when I considered that my Higher Power knows every detail of my life, is aware of every need, every desire, and every dream I have, it got easier to do. I wanted help more than anything. I wanted to feel supported, valued, and cared for. Why not create a Higher Power that can do that?

It was suggested to me that God may want things for me that are better than what I want for myself, things that are bigger and more uplifting than anything I can imagine. But I wasn’t able to consider that without believing that I’m loved unconditionally by my Higher Power. Without that love, I could’t imagine that letting go of my will would be ok, that it would work out in my favor.

But ‘letting go and letting God’ required me to let go of my dreams too. What if I could be happy without them manifesting? What if my perspective of life is limited? What if letting go meant I could go without and still be ok? These questions led me to a surrendered life, a life where I follow instead of lead.

I came to see that all my dreams were about the same thing: love. I wanted to feel loved, loving, and lovable and all my dreams were goals I thought would get me there. But what letting go and letting God has taught me is that I confused love with many other things. I thought being envied meant I was loved. I thought being competed against meant I was loved. I thought having a leg up meant I was loved. I thought winning meant I was loved. And on and on. I wanted to overcompensate for feeling less than and not enough. 

What I’ve learned from my Higher Power is that my vision is narrow. I’ve been loved all along but I wouldn’t have known it if I hadn’t been willing to not get what I want, to give up the notion that things would and should go my way.