Fear of Abandonment

Learning to see my perfectionism

I’m beginning to see that my perfectionism is covering up a deep fear of abandonment: If I’m good, I won’t get turned away. If I do everything right, there won’t be anything to complain about - and if there’s nothing to complain about, I won’t get rejected. I put a lot of energy into trying to control outcomes, into trying to avoid hardship and pain. But I’ve learned that perfectionism doesn’t create intimacy, nor does it insulate me from loss.

Seeing my perfectionism has been tough. I always saw myself as a 'slacker’, someone who was born to live through the Grunge movement, to stop shaving or cutting my hair. I thought the days of walking around looking careless and tired was a dream come true. How could I be a perfectionist?

But I have a hard time being vulnerable, inexperienced, or unaware. I hang out with a lot of artists and many of them teach. I imagine it’s hard for them not to give advice or point out how I could have made a sketch or painting better. Often it’s unsolicited. Initially I get defensive, but I remind myself that they are only trying to help. I’ve been making art for a long time but it’s still helpful to get constructive criticism. My ego may not like it, but in order to improve as an artist I need it. I’d be foolish not to listen.

If anything, my perfectionism probably keeps people at bay. Who wants to be around someone who doesn’t make mistakes? Someone who doesn’t let themselves look bad or fail? If I’m keeping up appearances then I’m not willing to be vulnerable or authentic, and being close to people who act invulnerable is stressful. It’s hard to relax around people who are always right or who never get tripped up.

I always thought my willingness to be fun and silly was proof that I don’t take myself too seriously, that I’m not a perfectionist, but the more I look at myself the more I notice it. It took years for me to see how much of a caretaker I was. In the beginning of recovery I saw myself as the one who got caretaken. But many years into working the Steps I started to see that I too try to bail others out of their mistakes and fix their problems. 

I’ve had the same experience with perfectionism. In the beginning I could see it in others, but I couldn’t see it in myself. Now I know that I often put up a wall and refuse to let others see me as fallible. I do it when I'm afraid. I find ways to hide from people, to keep them from seeing my insecurities.

The program has taught me about connection, about finding the intimate bonds that I need. Growing up, I was either chasing those bonds or trying to escape someones grip. The first step to healing was understanding that when humans fail me I'm always connected to a Higher Power, and that Power’s acceptance is not contingent on me being perfect.